Holidays - A Time for Self-Compassion
Give Yourself the Gift of Self-Compassion
Whether you’re a busy parent trying to make the season magical, a grandparent trying to keep up with rising gift prices and rapidly growing grandkids, a student anxiously tying up your exams just in time to crash into the holidays, or a worker trying to balance time for yourself and loved ones with your bosses demands - holidays can bring as much stress as they do joy. And these are the everyday stressors! Many people also find themselves struggling with feelings of grief, inadequacy, or pain that ebb and flow with the seasons.
Maybe this is your first holiday celebration without a loved one. Maybe it’s your tenth. Maybe you’re dreading hard conversations with your family in the wake of an election season. Maybe you haven’t spoken with certain family members in years, by your choice or by theirs. Maybe you lost your job, and the holidays are going to look different this year than previous years.
I hear some of you already saying “Well my situation isn’t THAT bad. I have it better off than most!” While that may or may not be true, it’s not the Pain Olympics – you’re allowed to feel stressed, wherever you’re at. And in a season of potential stress, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is self-compassion.
What is Self-Compassion?
Compassion means noticing someone’s pain and suffering, feeling empathy, and responding with understanding and kindness. Self-compassion means recognizing your own pain without trivializing it, and practicing kindness instead of judgement. We are often our own worst critic, putting ourselves down and speaking to ourselves in a way we would NEVER speak to our loved ones.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean excusing all our actions or believing that we’re perfect. Instead, we acknowledge that no one is perfect, and our mistakes are just that – mistakes. We can do our best to fix them, apologize, make amends, and do better next time. But we must forgive ourselves for our mistakes and flaws if we hope others will do the same.
How Can You Practice Self-Compassion?
1. Self-Talk
As I mentioned above, many of us speak to or about ourselves in a way we would never speak about our friends or family. You probably tell yourself some version of “That was so stupid!” when you make a mistake, or “stop being a baby!” when you’re feeling overwhelmed. No matter how silly it may feel in the moment, correcting and redirecting that inner voice can have a huge impact on your well-being. Replacing these thoughts with “I’m allowed to make mistakes” or “I’m giving myself a moment to feel sad before moving forward” helps with giving ourselves permission to share in the messiness of the human experience. You can even make it silly; Hannah Montana’s “Everybody Makes Mistakes” often plays on a loop in my head.
2. Practice Self-Care
No, I don’t mean bubble baths and face masks (though by all means, do those if it makes you happy!). Self-care means continuing to prioritize your sleep schedule. Going for a walk if you don’t have time for your regular physical activity. Saying no to a holiday party that you’re dreading before you’re completely burnt out. Self-care means recognizing that you are not a superhero, and you need time for rest to be at your best. Whatever that looks like for you – continuing to attend your therapy sessions, sticking to your gift budget and not going over, getting your hair done so you feel good in family pictures – practicing self-care does not make you selfish.
3. Focus on the Present Moment
Spending too much time worrying about the past and the future means you might miss out on the good moments of the holiday season. If you find yourself distracted or stuck in your head, try a quick grounding exercise. You can practice paying attention to your senses – what do you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste? You can practice breathing, paying attention to the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe in, and breathe out. You can also practice gratitude! Thank your coworker or your partner for getting you that cup of coffee. Thank your friend for sending you that invitation (even if you can’t go). Or acknowledge how kind it was for the stranger at the store to give up that last parking spot, hold the door, or smile and ask how your day was in line at the checkout. Take a few brief moments each day to focus on what is happening around you in the present moment.
- Written by Dr. Cassie Dennis